So much happens on Facebook, every day. Keeping up is impossible. And the new format was the nail in the coffin for many of us. Now being on Facebook often feels like being in a bathroom stall in a public restroom at Yankee Stadium, listening to snatches of uninvited conversation from a massive amount of people who you don’t really know. LOL. It’s overwhelming. It’s confusing. And it’s never ending.
But by God, forge on we must, as this is the digital age, the age of social networking, and those who don’t play get left behind. LOL. We need some templates, to have at the ready, to respond to some of the more common Facebook situtations.
1) Being “friended” by someone from long, long ago – otherwise known as “I’m Not Exactly Sure Who You Are, But For Some Reason Your Name Makes Me Cringe”:
Dear Old Acquaintance from Elementary/Middle/High School (and/or Camp),
Thank you so much for reaching out and connecting with me on Facebook! Unfortunately, I currently have plenty of people in my life and do not wish to rekindle our dusty friendship from 10/20/30/40 years ago. In fact, I can’t quite remember who you are, but the sound of your name leaves a slightly bad taste in my mouth, and the blurry photo of your unattractive children doesn’t help. Did we sleep together? Did I like it?
I am delighted that you saw “Up” with your kids last weekend and enjoyed it. And sorry that your dog has lyme disease. And congratulations on being a fan of the “Raisins, Stay the Fuck Out of My Cookies Club.” Please know that I wish you all the best, and there is nothing you could have done differently.
Sincerely,
2) Someone inevitably asks you to perform a task like answer the question, “If You Were a Shoe, What kind Would You Be?”
You can do better than simply fill out the pre-existing app; you can have a brand new app of your own, at the ready! Here are some ideas to get you started:
“If you were an allergen what would you be?”
“If you were an infectious disease, what would you be?”
“If you were an amuse bouche, what would you be?”
“If you were a Gewürztraminer, what kind would you be?”
“If you were a punctuation mark, what kind would you be?”
3) Even though it’s heyday may have passed, you have to be prepared to receive the request to complete the “25 Things You Didn’t Know about Me” questionnaire. Why not get started, so you’re ready to push the Share button the moment the call comes? Don’t be intimidated by the thought of finding 25 things. Nobody said they all had to be fascinating. Feel free to pad away. Here are some ideas, free for the taking, in case you get stumped at number 19. Just pick a few, and disperse them throughout your real answers, and you’ll have your 25 in no time. Alternatively, you may simply start an app of your own, titled “25 Things You Could Care Less About Me,” and initiate the dialogue.
• I hate the smell of mulch
• I find it exciting that you can rejuvenate stale brown sugar by adding a slice of fresh bread and sealing it up for half a day
• I like to run outside when it is 58-62 degrees Fahrenheit
• I can’t decide if I like the puffy or the crunchy cheese doodles the best
• I miss my nose ring
• I used to wear thongs, but now find them uncomfortable, so am now back to bikinis
• I hate to juice lemons
• My blackberry is extremely old, and the little wheelie on the side isn’t working properly
• Very intellectual people make me nervous
• I ate too much cookie batter this morning
• I drink decaf
• I like cheese
• Especially brie
• I used to feel smarter than I do now
• Yoga makes me antsy
• I have a crush on Nicholas Cage
• Sometimes I add bouillon cubes to my homemade chicken stock, if it’s weak
• My middle toenail on my left foot is not all that stable
• I passed a guy jogging today who looked straight out of That 70s Show
• I am supposed to be doing something else.
• Flavored coffee is an abomination. Really, it’s in Leviticus, after the bit about men lying with other men
• I like iceberg lettuce. There – I said it.
• I pretend to know the difference between cheap sake and expensive sake.
